Some of you may or may not know that I recently put out a survey relating to Mental Health and Mental Health services on the island. What most of you don’t know is that this topic is very personal and important to me.
I should be writing up the results of that survey into a new article for you guys but honestly and somewhat ironically, I’ve been struggling with my own mentality this week. I just wanted to be real with you about how I’m feeling. It's great for me to preach about Mental Health but how can I expect people to be honest or be supported if I'm not honest about myself?
I struggle with depression and anxiety. In fact, my anxiety has been crippling the last few months and not necessarily because of the pandemic. I have been having some severe panic attacks, sometimes so bad I would literally throw up. Picture what it would be like to drown: Your heart beating so erratically you fear it may burst through your chest, you can’t think about anything but the panic building inside you, everything is cloudy, and your body is shaking. That is what it’s like for me. Like I’m underwater and I can’t breathe.
Of course, each person may experience panic attacks differently but that doesn’t make it any less scary. To not really feel in control of your body is terrifying and I’ve often thought that it was going to cause my body to shut down. I did speak with a doctor before Christmas who was surprisingly sympathetic and supportive, she prescribed me some medication to help lower my heart rate. I have to say that it helps a little, the attacks aren’t quite as severe but I’m still struggling with it. It was fairly simple for me to contact my GP via e-consult, they got back to me within about 3 days. A lot of therapists and self-help books champion meditation, this isn’t for everybody and can’t always be applied in every situation however I do find it a useful tool sometimes. I’ll include my favourite meditation video at the end. It’s a process for me and is for everybody but I like to think I’m on the right path to control.
This week though, its depressions turn. I’ve suffered with it since I was about 13 and I’m still trying to battle it. I’ve been struggling to get out of bed, on my days off work I sleep way more than is normal. It becomes difficult to perform basic functions like taking care of myself. I feel sad sometimes but mostly drained and exhausted, it’s so tiring fighting a constant war inside your own head. I have no energy to do anything, no interest. I put on Netflix but I’m not really watching it, I can’t focus. My brain is in like a sea of fog, my memory is hazy and forgetful. It’s hard for me to find true joy in things.
Contrary to popular belief, it’s not always about crying all the time. That’s why I’ve been struggling to start my article. It’s tough to talk about mental health, I often feel ashamed over how I feel and that I’m weak. But the truth is, I have an illness. It’s just as real as a broken arm or leg, I doubt people feel ashamed over an injury like that so why should I feel ashamed that my brain is maybe a little broken? Don’t get me wrong it isn’t easy to always have a positive outlook on it, especially in some of the darker times but I realise every so often that statements like that really ring with truth.
I want people to realise that it’s okay to not be okay. There will be better days and there will be harder days and that's completely fine! One treatment does not fit all but it can be manageable, there are ways to not let it rule your life. If anybody ever wants to talk (and sometimes it can be better to talk to a stranger) please know that my inbox is always open. I know what it feels like to think there is no way out, that all that exists is darkness.
Mental Health needs to stop being so taboo and be really acknowledged. We need to start the conversation and not just start it but continue it and fight for it to be truly recognized. We need to fight for better care, faster treatment and more resources.
Thank you for taking the time to read this and just know, you are not alone. I hope to have my new article up as soon as I’m feeling a bit better!
-Megan x
My favourite meditation video:
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